The early years

Throughout the early years of our marriage we had the usual issues of adjusting to married life and each other. He had completed school and began working. He was in the electronics field. Unfortunately timing for that was ill planned. He worked at several places but was getting laid off often as many consumer electronics were becoming cheaper to throw away and simply replace than repair.

It was not easy to have a spouse who had a hard time getting and keeping a steady job. But we made do. It was hardest after we purchased our home and he would be out of work. I would get extremely stressed. He just didn’t put a lot of effort into looking for work. He would spend a great deal of time drinking with a friend who was also out of work. Besides the drinking there was drug use. It came to a head one day when I came home with some little children I was watching for a relative. I had warned the guys not to bring drugs into my home, that I did not want any of the children I would take care of on occasion to ever associate those things with me, or worse yet, accidentally get their hands on them. But I digress, I came home with these nice little children and could smell marijuana. I took the kids to a safe place and then returned home and followed through with what I had told them would happen if drugs were in my house. I called the police.

They fled before the police arrived. I did notice the police sat at the end of the street and watched for them to return for several hours. It wasn’t until late that night that a friend of mine, the girlfriend of his drinking buddy called and told me my husband was in jail.

The guys had gone to meet another friend and kept drinking and doing who knows what other drugs… He was very drunk and almost hit a State trooper who was on the side of the freeway at the scene of an accident.  Needlessly to say he was charged and convicted of a DWI.

I was fed up with the drinking and drug use. This is not how married couples lived. I was not a wife. I was a maid, laundress and chef, I was not a partner but more a parent. I was done. I gave him an ultimatum. Me or his buddy and the booze and drugs, but I was not going to live like that anymore.

He gave up the buddy and the vices, but he never let me forget it. I should have just left, no ultimatums, I should have just seen how very different we were and cut my losses then and there. But I thought I could make it work. I am stubborn and loyal. I do not like to lose, I like to think I can rise to any challenge. I still believe that, but what I didn’t fully understand back then is not everyone is like that. Some people just don’t have the same drive.

So we stayed married, less in love, more like a parent/child relationship. I craved a spouse who could be the man I needed him to be. But he just didn’t have it in him.

We weren’t completely miserable. But we were not happy either. Yes he gave up the drugs and alcohol. I was surprised at how easily he could give it up, but what I didn’t realize is he just swapped those issues and went deeper into another addiction. He went even deeper down the rabbit hole of porn.

More about that next time.

Welcome to my crazy journey of surviving life with a porn and sex addict.

I have so very much to share, and am not sure where to begin. I guess I will start at the beginning, sort of. At this point in my life I am a 49 year old divorced woman. I did not ever think that would be me. I married my now ex husband back in 1993. We had dated for several years and finally tied the knot in ’93. We were so young and stupid back then. I wanted a husband, I wanted children, I wanted a stable normal life just like everyone else.

When we were first married he went to school and I worked several jobs to keep us out of debt. I was working for the team. I was working for us and our bright future. He went to school, got a degree, and got a decent job. We were young, in love and pretty happy. But even back then I would find things he hid, pornography. It bothered me. Why did he need to view this? Why was I not enough for him. I felt sad and bothered by it. Every time I would find something he would tell me he was sorry. He would promise not to bring anymore into our lives. But he just couldn’t resist. More than anything it was the fact that he broke his word, that he was sneaking around that made me the most angry.

So I dragged him kicking and screaming to a marriage counselor. I thought she would see things my way. That she would be on my “side” and I would have an ally in her. I was sorely disappointed. She told me my feelings were invalid, and to suck it up. So that day I made a conscious decision to do what she said. It didn’t feel right. It made me feel sad and a little bit alone in our marriage, but I put on my big girl pants and sucked it up.

That is one of my big regrets in life. I knew how I felt, and I went against my own judgement. I shut my own inner voice up. I willingly participated in devaluing my own worth. If I have learned anything from that experience it is learn to trust and value yourself. It is all well and good to seek counsel from outside, but at the end of the day we have to live with those decisions. And sometimes things that start out as minor discomforts turn into life altering earth shattering pain.

I will be back with more of my story… This is just the beginning. It is a story of pain and betrayal, but also a story of overcoming the pain and betrayal and taking charge of my life. Taking back my life. Finding my happiness again. And choosing very deliberately to find love and trust again.

I hope you will come back.